Stupid Emotions

My two rascals, are the cutest things on the planet. I am so blessed to have them in my life.
Well, I suppose the cat is out of the bag. Many people already know, but a lot don't. I am very fickle in my emotions right now, sometimes I don't want to think about it, and other times I do. Right now, I guess I do.
As of last Monday, September 28th I was eight weeks pregnant. But that evening, I started to spot. I hoped it would go away, then on Wednesday I could not fight the impression to go the ER. Going to the ER is a little embarrassing for me, as this is almost Chris's office, and he knows everybody there. Which in turn means everybody knows my personal business. Anyway, So we went in, and after blood tests, and an ultrasound they learned that this pregnancy was no longer viable, and that I was going to miscarry - sometime. I was an absolute wreck. How can this be happening a second time. As I read on-line about this specific type of miscarriage I learned that the placenta can support itself for up to two months without a viable fetus. So of course, I scare myself into thinking that that might happen to me. Over the course of the next two days, I had the "melt down," and after being in extreme pain on Friday, I actually had the miscarriage over Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Yea, conference weekend. Don't ask me what was said, because I wasn't watching. It was almost unbearable that it took that long. I saw my OB on Monday, and was given a lot of pills to help finish the process. Which was not the most enjoyable thing.
So here I am Thursday night, I wish I could stop thinking about it. How can it be that my mother, my older, and my younger sister can all have 4 healthy pregnancies without a problem. Why am I the odd one out? Even both my grandmothers had 3, without problems. I hate that I have to go through this again. I hate that I have to deal with these emotions again. I hate that this problem has been forced upon me. I am mad, I am pissed off, and I am scared it will be as hard as last time. I hate that it is winter, I always get depressed in the winter, because I am stuck at home all day with no escape. I don't want to be stuck at home, having to deal with these stupid emotions. If we had a second car, I think I could feel that I have an ability to get out, but in winter without a car, that is just too hard to do.
The worst part is, is that I can feel the presence of another child in my home. I want another baby. If I ever get that, I don't know.
I do have to say that I don't blame Heavenly Father, whatever the reason is that I have to go through this again, I don't know, I may never know. But I know that He will help me to get through it, and be better for it. Like the scripture that says he gives you weaknesses and through your faith makes them strengths. It is this scripture and the faith of my mother who made a specific call to tell me that after a lot prayer, told me she knows that everything will be O.K. I don't know that, but she seems to, and the scriptures don't lie, so that is what I am riding on right now.